Even when I’m irritable you don’t lose your patience with me.

I hope you know that my heart’s in the right place but it’s my brain that disagrees.

I say stupid things, things I don’t mean,

or I shrug my shoulders, and don’t answer properly.

I never ask you how your day’s been, or how you feel,

Even though I think it, I’m so used to being quiet really.

I’ve never been the good one at talking, that’s just not me,

But people say I’m ok at writing so I guess we’ll see –

– If you get it. I’m not doing any of this intentionally,

I’m not purposely being rude or trying hard to be lazy

I don’t like doing nothing all day and just watching TV

It’s become boring and I only do it while I wait for people to email me,

Unemployment is harder than I expected so just bear with me,

While I try to piece my life together, and figure out how to be,

Someone who I look up to, someone like you, someone who is

totally different from the boring, lifeless and annoying, little me.


Liberation in Death

That first enchanting encounter, I knew you’d forever hold a place in my world…

I like to imagine the sparkling reflections of the water ripples in the moonlight.

Of a dark sky filled with diamond shining stars.

In the depths of the galaxy’s vastness there is a space that fits your greatness comfortably.

You swim freely and to your heart’s desire.

No one to pull at your reigns anymore because you have none.

And no one to tell you to jump.

You can do as you wish there and look down at the sea and see what things have become.

I’m sure you know you are better off up there, you’ll find it’s where you belong.

There was never really a place for you down here.

It’s amazing what you had grown to become.

Despite everything, you were strong and you were brave.

You lived through more horror than you should’ve done.

So enjoy this liberation Tilikum because you deserve it just as much as anyone.


Moments (II)

Receiving that text you’ve been waiting for

Getting a call from an unknown number

Trying to recall someone’s name

Thinking of something happy before you fall asleep

Remembering an entire dream

Realising the absurdity of a dream

Missing someone

Laughing till your stomach hurts

Working out till you’re producing rain

Completing a workout

Eating after a fast

Sitting down after standing all day

Taking your bag off your shoulders

Wrapping a blanket around you

Remembering something from a long time ago

Someone complimenting your outfit


Forgetting your epiphany

Watching wildlife

Finishing a book

Being emotionally moved by a film

Watching someone else be moved by a film

Falling in love with a fictional character

Making a list of things to do

Ticking the checklist

Opening a new tab

Using cold water in cold weather

Drinking cold water in warm weather

Using hot water in cold weather

Hot showers after a workout

Closing the laptop lid at the end of the day

Taking off your glasses

Sitting down after cleaning the house

Taking off your shoes after a long day



Old Ways Won’t Open New Doors

In the black of night, under shut eyelids, I see you and I wonder what you are up to.

Blurred visions of our future, clear memories from the past and every moment shared between us unwind in a heaped mess.

All at once the peace of my mind is a ground for the impossible stories and inevitable fate to play out. 

As if they are true, as if they are live, as if they are present and they’re happening. 

They’re haunting and mesmerising together. 

Like the sand on a beach, the same sand in a desert. I want to enjoy it for as long as I can take it but I’m done with it so quickly because it’s starting to burn.

But just when I think I’ve cut you by the stem it turns out the root is still there. And although the fantasy of us keeps me up at night I’d much rather forget because there’s a saying that “old ways won’t open new doors”

#1703 Moments

Seeing a single cloud in the clear sky

Watching the baby just before it cries

Forgetting where you put it just the second after

Remembering something small that happened years ago

Smiling at your thoughts –

Realising your smiling

Knowing the lyrics to a whole song

Wondering what someone else is doing today

Regretting the work you didn’t do

Hitting the play button on Netflix

Hearing a sound in a dark quiet room

Listening to the ticks of the clocks as you lie asleep

Seeing a light flicker

Waiting for your lecturer to do that thing they always do

Questioning yourself when the alarm goes off in the morning

Trying to remember when you fell asleep

Recounting the steps before you lost it

Walking in to a book store

Walking out of a book store

Clicking the balance button at the ATM

Smiling at a stranger

Finishing a book

Completing a deadline

Leaving the last lecture of the week

Bumping into someone after a long time

Receiving a gift

Knowing that you are alive for another day


#1103 Dear Tilikum

A bright and soft blue light shines on the pavement shaping out a triangle amongst a shadow across the rugged ground. I look up at the sky as I walk, the moon, drawn clearly with God’s pencil – full and majestic, is my street light to home. The black poles are good for little, only a month after having been fixed they flicker and eventually die again. I turn my head to the ground again and let out a deep sigh. The warmth leaves my mouth and immediately turns into a smokey dragon as it touches the air.

I go over it in my head again, ‘Lung Infection’ a sad reminder that he is real, he is alive and he is still trapped. I’ve never met Tilikum, I’ve only heard the stories, stories which I believe to be too true, too cruel and too unfair. Unlike a fairy tale, there are equally  as many bad things about Tilikum as there are good but that has never stopped me from being quite in love with him. A pitiful love, I want him to live, be free and belong, but it’s never this easy. From the second of captivity up until today there is not a single day that proves he is safe the way he is now and yet his new life guarantees his death even if he were liberated.

But still, Tilikum, the greatness of your being is too large to be confined to that small city pool. You belong in the ocean even if your body says otherwise. Caged as beady eyes peer on you every day is something you don’t deserve, nor should anyone. With your end days nearing I’ll think of every glimmer of moonlight, a calling from the sea and with every dragons breath your well deserved freedom. Go, be with your own.

#0603 Asleep

A loud but distant roar of screams –
waves of silence follow.

Look. It’s 04:30. AM. Why?
Close my eyes and force me
Back to sleep.

Open. This doesn’t work.
The banging of open doors
The gushing of running taps
A constant beating of footsteps.

Who woke me up?
I’m so mad I could punch you.
I am here. Right here. In my bed.
Asleep. (Trying)

Go. Go watch that somewhere else.
Go wash the dishes in the morning
Go straight to your room and
Don’t. Come. Back. Down.

Footsteps down the stairs.

Oh for the love of God.

#0501 Broken Dream

I saw an old man sleep in his walk last Tuesday and he says things like that don’t happen.
I saw him spit and drool, eyebrows arched high, his eyes most certainly closed and he says oh I never!
I saw the blue on the butterfly and she thinks that it’s not possible.
I saw her one wing flutter, and it definitely didn’t work like it should but she said stop while you could.

Can he? I thought, can she? I thought.

Swear by it, swear by it, you can’t tell a soul.

What are you talking about?

#0201 NYR

Why don’t you just
Just see.
Just do.
Just wait.
Just be.

Just fear.
Just fall.
Just fail.
Just be.

Just crawl.
Just sprawl.
Just try.
Just be.

Just walk.
Just think.
Just trust.
Just be.

Just stay.
Just feel.
Just heed.
Just be.

Just laugh
Just breathe
Just cry
Just be.

Just fight
Just fix
Just flow
Just be.

Just love
Just hate
Just accept
Just be.

Why don’t you just
Just dream
Just grow
Just live
Just. Be.